painter smurf

It's been a while....

Wow...It's been a long time since I've posted anything...I guess I don't have much to say. Looking back on my last post...I was laid off from my job about 2 days after that post...Wow, so much has changed, and I feel like such a different person since then. Different = better. I'm contracting right now, which I have a feeling will be temporary. And I have freelance projects coming out of my ears! I think I will need to buy a second laptop pretty soon to keep up with the speed of my projects. (probably a PC) funny in our screwed up economy I am doing better than I have ever done in my life! I'm getting paid loads more than I did in my last job, and the pace is much more manageable. I've experienced a few little corporate "fires" here and it's NOTHING like my last job. Every day at that place was a fire drill. Man, come to think of it, I don't miss it at all. But I do miss the creative buzz and the friendly faces that I came to know and love.

My pace seems much more human now, and actually I think I'm much nicer to everyone..I've made some friends here, but I also have enough confidence in myself that I know I can move on if I need to. My main goal right now is to find a perm. job that I can settle into, because we're planning on conceiving next year sometime...Crazy, I know, but it's very apparent that we're all pretty damned eager about having a baby. Me, hubby, and the little guy, who's now the big guy who is the same height as me, if not taller. 13 going on 21. Yesterday was my b-day, as I'm now 33. It's odd. I feel like every year counts now and I need to begin making more progress faster. Now that my mental/emotional health is in check, I can move on with other areas of my life...Maybe this is why so many jobs are coming to me..It's like I'm finally "unstuck." I feel very sarene, and happy. Kinda like this picture below..Finally, I can actually say that honestly. :D


  • Current Mood
    happy happy
painter smurf

Odds and Ends, and Oh yeah, maybe a new job!!!

So, I've been bitching and complaining about my boss for some time now...At least to those closest to me..It's been a while since I've posted anything of any sort of relevance. I've been interviewing here and there, (first EA, and now Apple) and I am again, in a holding pattern *sigh* anyone that knows ANYTHING about me knows that patience is not one of my finest virtues..I had a great "screening" session, and then had them roaring about how awesome I was..Yes, thank you, thank you...All in a huff about getting me in on Friday to meet with the whole team, and today, *crickets* - complete, and deafening silence...the funny thing is, I don't really want to work anywhere else other than Apple right now. I am not necessarily in a bad place with work, I just have an annoying boss. Today we had my "Growth plan update" meeting. Before we got too far underway, I took it upon myself to put all the cards on the table and tell him how I really felt.. Man, it felt good to get it off my chest, and I *highly* doubt he saw that coming..I've been taking shit for so long, that I almost forgot I had a voice. Today, it was nice to exercise my once so sharp tongue. I didn't get myself in hot water or anything I just really cleansed myself of negative feelings I've been harboring. So, I feel like, okay, I am in a good place now, Apple can call me, and I will go to them with arms wide open...Except they haven't called, and I am starting to sweat like a hooker in a church...

I haven't blogged in a while, I don't know why really, maybe because by the time I get home, get dinner underway, I want to be about a million miles away from my inbox, for the fear of my clients' needs sucking me back in...Balance...there isn't much with this job, but then again, who really does have it!? I try so hard to maintain it in my life, with the hubby, the little guy, and myself and my own needs, but there is scarcely enough time in the day when all is said and done.

Today, something strange happened. I visited my friends blog, who writes about silly things that I like, like sewing, gardening, crafty-things, and running....(Yes, I know, I am a total old fart now) and for a split second, I missed writing! Like I got jealous all of a sudden cause her blog had this new fancy interface, and looked all current and up-to-date. Here I am deleting my history, cache files, default trillian logs...I don't know what would happen if I was caught updating my blog during business hours..(Heaven forbid) Big brother does actually watch us...Last I heard, they were thinking of implementing, some sort of key-stroke software...I dunno, I am not that technical, but it sounded scarey, and I can swear some of my rights would've been violated...

Tonight, I made chicken enchiladas! YAY me!!! It was a stretch because everything I cook inadvertently ends up tasting suspiciously Italian..So, using the more mexican palette was a nice change. I think for my husband too. However, last weekend, I did manage to crank out two homemade pizzas, dough and all. I thought I was an f-ing rockstar..Well, I was for a few hours at least...I actually love to cook. I just go through sticker shock every time I dust off the ole cookbook and drag my ass to the grocery store. I mean, really? No less than $50 each time I go?! It's almost easier and cheaper to be lazy and eat out more often...

Ahh well. I am going to get myself to bed...The late night ritual begins...
  • Current Mood
    tired tired

Mad World

I don't feel this sad, but strangely, I resonate quite strongly with this song today...

Mad World
by: Gary Jules

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, Worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, Going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, No expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, No tomorrow


And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
These dreams in which I'm dying, Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad World, Mad World


Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And they feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, Sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, No one knew me
Hello teacher tell me whats my lesson
Look right through me, Look right through me


And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
These dreams in which I'm dying,
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad World, Mad World

Enlargen your world
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative
kitty

Brain Dump

-I hate my boss today
-I don't really like my job either today
-why is it so friggon hot? Do I need to be worried?
-I hope the little guy remebers to eat lunch today, and stay hydrated
-looks like some financial stability is on it's way (hooray for nonprofit credit counseling!)
-My boss is annoying me today, and doesn't care if I am able to do my job or not
-My pants feel too tight, god they didn't look this bright this morning
-I can't sleep very well in this heat, and the street we live on is very noisy
-We need to get in touch with the roof guy who is MIA
-need to research double pane windows
-if I had more money I'd install AC
-but then again, would make the PG&E bill higher than it already is...
-I thought I wanted a baby, but today I am not so sure I can deal anymore
-Why do we live in such an expensive place?
-I feel like strangling that recruiter that teased me with a job that pays really well
-WTF happened to her?
-WTF happened to that phone interview last week with that other guy from EA?
-I hate it when I get this cranky
-my boss is bugging me
-he's leaving and making the whole team miserable cause he's taking everyone that would be useful -and make my job easier to do my job with him
-was it a mistake to sign up for WWDC?
-will I like having a different place to work for two weeks more than my actual job?
-I am sad I can't go to Napa for the weekend with my friend
-I think I need a vacation from life
-Southbeach diet seems to work the completely opposite way for me these days, makes me go HIGH CARB and HIGH FAT in full force
-When are my weight-lifting sessions going to start showing?
-I don't want to work today.
  • Current Mood
    cranky cranky
kitty

My sister

I thought I was over it. I thought I was good. Okay, she's gone, I can get back to my life. But today hasn't quite panned out to be one of those days. Busy, yes. But in the busy chaotic storm that whirls around me, I find myself in the eye of it all. There's an eerie quietness that settles around me, and I find myself struggling once more to bring myself to look at your photo.

Yesterday I thought surely speaking to the little guy would make these emotions quiet down, but they ping-ponged around in my mind, eventually landing hard at the pit of my being. There they settled, wrestling with the thought and the fear of not seeing you again for another year. Hearing how happy he was to talk to me, made it hurt more. Only because I think his little soul misses me too. What are these bear sized feelings I am dealing with here? Is it the lack of a baby in my life? Is it me struggling with my stark circumstances? Is this just life shaking me awake, checking in with me?

I saw photos of your home covered in a delicate white dusting. It was beautiful, I could almost hear the wind in the trees and the relaxing silence around me. If only I could learn to fly, I'd sore across the sea to be near you. I'd travel until my wings froze just to spend some quiet time with you and the baby. I'd be waiting out there until you noticed me on your ledge, singing you a song. But what if I never learn to fly? What if all I ever really achieve is the creation of my vision boards with a cutout collage of what I wish my life were like? Would that make me undeserving of more? People all over the world make plans, all the time, they figure out all the details, but what happens when the plans don't come to fruition, and just gather dust on a shelf?

With a sore back, a hurting heart and the weight of the world on my shoulders, I stare at your picture perfect smile, the intense gaze in your eyes, the fierce grip of motherhood and the beautiful twinkling smile of your baby. I sigh, and I get back to work...
  • Current Mood
    sad sad
buffed smurf

Stress Rears its Ugly Head

Driving away from the sandwich shop after lunch, she makes a quick right into the parking lot of 7-11. Slowly making her way down the sweets aisle, she stops in front of the hostess stand. Toying over Twinkies and Ding Dong's she grabs the round plump coconut covered Snowballs. Practically running to the counter, she throws five dollars at the clerk, stuffs her change in her wallet and rips open the package of Snowballs. Sitting in her car she stuffs them into her mouth, ignoring the onlookers, and the strangely loud and thumping mini-van next to her. "Why, did I just do that? I just ate lunch, and what about my Zone Diet, wasn't I going to start that today!?" Forget about The Biggest Loser club at work, she really is a loser...

Sound familiar?

This my friends, is the worst case scenario of stress-eating. In an extremely connected world, it's quite difficult to not let the beastly devil of stress-eating overcome its meagerly angelic counterpart, "discipline." Those of us that juggle multiple tasks and responsibilities know all too well how daunting a stressful schedule can feel to a stress-eater. It's not just a race against time, budgets, calendars, school schedules, deadlines, and forecasted employee growth plans, its much much worse. It's the fact that we, ourselves have become our own worst enemies. So, who can pull us out of this mess? Other than God himself, who has the power to overcome this insanity? Short of disrupting the daily lives of our loved ones with a planned intervention, there is only one person that can tame this beast.

We can! We must.

Just a few days ago, I discovered the hugely extraordinary benefits of yoga. How strange it felt to quiet my body and my mind, all at once. I stretched, pulled, huffed and puffed my way through an hour of gradual limber bliss. I really can't explain what a spiritual effect this had on me. I made a decision that day to watch what went into my mouth, because it really wasn't my body that was hungry it was my soul. Hungry for some quiet, peace, relaxation, and a vacation away from my own life. Until today....

That woman, stuffing Snowballs into her mouth, and (shhhhh) later devouring a small bag of Cheetos? Yes folks, that is me. I let it take over, I gave my power over to the dark side, and let my stress consume me whole. It's a challenge for me everyday. Strangely enough though, every day I wake up optimistic knowing, praying, hoping that I can, and will overcome this animal, this crazed stressed-out aptitude, that I've coined as "stress-eating."

For some people stress is a good thing, it charges them, pushes them to become productive and effective, ok, maybe with just a touch of high blood pressure, but still, there are people that are by nature, truly motivated by stress. They get their cars washed, budget their incomes, double check their kids' math homework, whatever, you get the picture...I am not of that breed.

I eat trashy food, my hair thins, I contemplate the direction of my life at 3am, I dream about work, and actually think that I am working during the early am hours. I fight, ohh the fighting....In a nutshell, I am a mess. HOWEVER, I am resourceful, and I am quite buoyant. Like a rubber bouncy ball, I almost always bounce back with a fresh outlook. I am an optimist by nature. I know I can do this, I know how I look 20 lbs. lighter. I look good, and man do my jeans hang comfortably on my hips.

So here's my goal, I am going to his "publish post" and I am going to fire up itunes, log onto a free RSS feed of the most relaxing yoga class I can find on the internet. Then, I will exhale deeply and preheat the oven, roll up my sleeves and begin preparing the Ahi steaks I so carefully picked out for dinner, and feed my family. I will do these tasks, not from a place of stress and weakness, but from a place of strength and vitality, because I know I can do it, and so can you.
  • Current Mood
    optimistic optimistic

Hope

I am restless today. Yesterday, was a journey into my heart into my soul. Today, I want to explore that, I want to wade in its waters and splash around. I want to evoke that spiritual calling again, awaken it to remember how good it felt to be awake and alive. The slumber approaches as I descend into the world of earning money, a good reputation, rapport and creative story-telling for someone other than myself. It’s almost as if I’ve ingested a tranquilizer and I am nodding off to sleep. The passion for doing a good earnest job is gone. The flame has died, and the embers are but a meager glow in the dark.
Yesterday, with my feet on the pier, the water rushing beneath me, and my heels annoyingly crammed into the cracks of the floor boards, I felt grounded, I felt high. Within the timeframe of an afternoon, I felt like my soul sang, weakly at first, eventually growing into a sweet a capella.
Now, I am left feeling like a bird with it’s wings clipped. I am fluttering around trying to go up up up, but I can’t.
There is a tiny speck of blue that shines from the sky for me. It’s entrapped by clouds but it exists nonetheless. It’s my hope that peeks down to the earth through the overcast horizon. That’s where it soars. Up in the beautiful blue is where it roams, sings, and flies. Hope peeks at me momentarily, glittering and shiny, in the sky far above my outstretched arms that are open and ready.
  • Current Mood
    restless restless
painter smurf

Gratitude Friday

This week, has been interesting. I am learning more and more about myself and my needs with each passing week. However, I wanted to make noticeable mention to the following things that caught my attention this week. I am grateful for:

♥ being healthy, and not so sick anymore
♥ the ability to run and weight train, and somehow power through my workouts
♥ a new blog I discovered on Executive level women (http://www.newsonwomen.com)
♥ my step-son for loving me like a mother
♥ my husband for remembering my favorite restaurant, card and candy on Valentines Day :)
♥ This gorgeous rain-free week we've had!! Hooray for living in CA!!
♥ the glorious feeling of hitting-the-pillow-and-falling-right-to-sleep (a direct result of my workouts I am guessing)
♥ the fact that even though I complain, I still have a job
♥ the drive for wanting to better myself
♥ the feeling of having everything I want from life right now (except for more money)
♥ having worked out everyday this week so far! Yay me!!
♥ having good friends that listen to me complain and still love me
♥ the inspiration to write again

Ahhh..I am sure there are more where these came from, but I'll leave it at that for now. More on my short story in a bit.

Have a great weekend!
  • Current Mood
    grateful grateful
painter smurf

Short Story #1 - When I think of a title I will let you know...

She took a deep breath and headed down the pathway directly in front of her. The bright sunshine beaming rays of light against her back. A warm gentle breeze swept her hair across her face. Pulling strands away from her face, she readjusted her shoulder bag and tossed her belongings onto a sprawling green lawn. Nearby tall trees and freshly manicured fields lining a carefully paved path, sprawled out before her.
She bunched up her bag to use as a pillow and lay down slowly on her back. She gazed at the sky and passing silky clouds. With a dread in her heart she searched the sky for answers. Almost as if she half expected the hand of God to come down and snatch her. She thought to herself,
"What on earth am I going to do!?"
"What's the answer?"
On a nearby road, she heard a distant horn honking. Two cars nearly colliding, and then zooming off at breakneck speed. She lay on the grass with an almost distant detachment. Concerned but more relaxed and at peace than when she'd gotten there. Nature did this to her. It always found a way to quiet her rumbling, yelling thoughts. Inhaling, and deliberately exhaling as slowly as she could she recalled passages and titles of chapters of her self-help book on "Six Figure Women." Some of them, she thought to herself, didn't even have the education she had. Some, didn't even have the know-how of negotiation. Life could've been worse she decided.

Birds flew overhead, high in the sky in a distant looping formation. Almost as if in a game of tag. They flew so high above her, she almost couldn't see them anymore. She squinted and strained her eyes to see where they went. But they were no longer in her line of sight.
Rolling over onto her left side, she propped herself up onto one elbow. She picked a blade of grass and held it close to her eye, so it was almost the only thing she could see. Green. Green everywhere.

-To be continued..